sleepless

time: 5:33 am
rations consumed: none, though had restaurant week dinner at perry street last night with mother and cousin.
morale: ok, but why can't i sleep?

field notes: it's the week before my period, and instead of being completely zonked out for 12 hours a day asleep, i have been listless and uncomfortable at night. it's odd for me; i am usually a good sleeper. i am usually a great sleeper. and now i am not much of a sleeper at all.

several factors may be contributing. it's been hot lately; too hot; air conditioner at night hot, which i am not a big fan of doing. i am relatively done with work deadlines (though big magazine edit supposedly coming into today and i dread it, i truly do, lord universe in all your greatness please let kindness decend upon that piece/edit). i have been practicing genderlessness. i have been writing a lot of fiction. and...i haven't been sleeping much...

so what is going on with me?

another thing...anxiety about money has been weaving in and out of my thoughts. i have got to "make it" or else i have got to get a job and "make it," "it" being money of course. i guess part of this is motivating me to keep nose to the grindstone. then again, i have only been deadlineless, what? a week? so why am i freaking out? why can't i give myself a chance to do other things?

ugh. so that's where i am at at this crazy hour, with the sun just barely starting to come up.

for the record, this super early gorgeous time of day is usually my favorite. it's peaceful. the day hasn't had a chance to be ruined yet.

it smells good outside.